What does this day mean to me? 

It represents not just one person's birth but it represents my birth as well. 

No, this is not my birthday. It's someone's birthday, but not mine. Or at least, not the way you would think.

The very existence of this day helped me find life. It helped me to find God and Jesus. 

And again, on this day, today, I will renew my life. 

I will draw closer to God more than I did yesterday. 

I will love God more than I did yesterday. 

I will improve the quality of my life more than yesterday. 

That's what makes this day so exciting and hopeful. 

I love today. I love it that I can hope for something better. 

I love it that I can envision a better me. 

No, this is not about being better than someone next to me, or someone who is against me. 

This is simply about being better than the "yesterday Naomi." 

 

Of course, in this journey to a better me, it would be hard to measure my improvements if I didn't have someone to look up to, someone I admired or respected, or someone who is my inspiration. 

I can confidently say that that person is Pastor Joshua. 

I see him constantly improving himself. To me, that's humility. Seeing him seek more knowledge, more wisdom, more love, more grace, more, more, more of all the good stuff that God has to give. 

And he tries harder. A little more than yesterday but nevertheless harder. A little improvement each day and before we know it, he is too far ahead that it is too hard to catch up. That's what I feel now. 

Before, he got up at 4am to pray. Okay, that was hard but with hard work and effort, I got there. 

Now, he gets up at 2am or earlier! Okay, that's a little too hard for me. I think I'll stay at 4am a little longer. But at least I know what I can work up to. 

He is super busy but he manages to exercise 1 hour a day. Hmmm...when I'm super busy, I'm too exhausted to exercise or can't manage to fit exercise in. 

Nowadays, I exercise but I feel that my work is suffering. So, hmmm...my goal, a good balance and good time management. 

He prayed a lot before. He prayed even with people around. He would stall a little before eating a bite off his food. Everyone paused because it was so random and we would wonder what was wrong. It turned out, he was praying. ha! So I saw that and thought, okay, I can do that too. I'll pray in the morning, before I go to sleep, and even during the day as I conduct my normal activity. 

But now, he just gets really deep into prayer for hours!!! 

Anyway, I happened to reflect on myself and my inspiration, Pastor Joshua, on this particular day, and I thought, 'I want to be a better person, not to just anyone but in the eyes of God.' I'm glad that we have an example. 

It's great to have a top swimmer to look up to, or a runner, or a singer or actor, person or persons who can inspire you to be better than who you are now. Because, heaven forbid, it would be terrible if we were content with the way we are right now. What can you strive for? I sure am not happy with myself 100%. If this is it and this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life, then what? 

I wasn't looking for a swimmer, or a runner, or a singer, or actor. I was looking for someone who could inspire me to be good, to love God, to be a better Christian, to be someone who can listen to her conscience, embrace it, and choose what it right. 

Thank you, God, for this day. 

And tomorrow, will be another day like this one, where I will renew myself yet once again. 

I wonder what God looks like? 

I wonder if God is so much better looking than anyone on earth because He intentionally made everyone uglier than Him.

---or because He couldn't replicate His perfect looks? 

Or I wonder if God is uglier than us because He loved us so much that He made us better looking than Himself.

 

I wonder what the standards of beauty is in Heaven? 

Are the standards of beauty based on goodness? Then, of course, that would mean that God is the best looking! 

 

I wonder why people have a hard time believing in God. 

Or even worse, I wonder why those who believe that God exists have a hard time believing that God loves them. 

Or even worse, I wonder why those who believe that God loves them have a hard time loving Him back? 

Isn't it easier to love someone who loves you than to love someone who hates you? 

Then, why do so many people follow Satan, knowing that he hates them? 

 

Why do some see the good in others but always find fault in themselves so meticulously? 

Why do some see the good in themselves but always find fault in others so meticulously? 

 

Why do people give up and commit suicide? Do they realize that it takes more courage, strength, and creativity to commit suicide than to just remain alive? 

Why are people so sensitive to what others say about them but insensitive to what they say to others? 

Why do we feel awkward when we compliment each other? Why do we find it harder to believe the good things? Is it because we are afraid of disappointment? 

Could it be because it means higher expectations? Could it be because it means we have a responsibility? Could it be because we were lied to before? 

Could it be because we don't believe it ourselves? Could it be because the compliments don't mirror our own views? 

 

If God is perfect and let's say He is the best-looking being, would He think we are ugly...because we are uglier than He is? 

Or would He be blind to our ugliness because of His love for us? 

Or would our love for Him determine beauty in His eyes? 

 

Anyway, I love Him. Why do I love Him? Gosh, I don't know, I just do. I feel as if my spirit was born to love Him and hearing about Him, knowing more about Him, and loving Him is like returning to something familiar. It's like returning home after a long trip away. It's like nostalgia. It's a sense of comfort and peace I cannot explain. It's a type of joy that is so consistent that it is amazing. 

 

 

It is just so hard for me, or even for many of us, to believe that someone could love us. Especially when we are hard on ourselves and when we feel so unworthy, how can someone love us? In this world and time, when we try to "earn" love through beauty, wealth, position, power, fame, and whatnot, how can we possibly believe that someone can love us when we feel ugly and poor, and despite the position, power, or fame, we might have, so many of us feel that's just not enough.

I was praying one day, sincerely feeling an enormous amount of love towards God. At the point, I thought of all the things He has done for me and my life ran through my mind. I saw that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for His kindness and grace. And seriously, I just love everything about God. So I prayed over and over, "I love You, I love You, I love You..." And all of a sudden, believe it or not, I heard a voice. The voice said, "But do you know that I love you?" For a moment, I was taken aback. I knew for certain that it was God in reply to my prayer. Then my automatic response was, "Of course, I know..." but stopped midway. 'Did I really know? Did I really believe that He loved me? Why can He love someone like me?' And I realized, I really didn't know that God loved me. So I prayed, "God, because I'm dull and not so spiritual, can you let me know Your love through a person?" At that moment, I had this strong feeling that God will speak through this one particular person.

Sure enough, after our prayer session, that very person came to me, grabbed me by my hands and took me aside.
She told me that as she was praying, she had a message for me from the Lord. The Lord told her to tell me that I am very beautiful and that He loves me. Also, that I must believe that He loves me 100%.

Did I believe her? Yes. Did I acknowledge it? Yes. Did I realize that God loves me? No. Not quite. I think that's something I need to face, understand, and realize on my own. Through the messages and continuous prayer, I'm beginning to understand. But I know, that love is overwhelming and great. From time to time, I feel it, and when I feel it, my body shakes and I cry because that love is so great and moving.

Why do I write this here? So that we can overcome ourselves, stop being so hard on ourselves, and realize that God loves us...believe it or not. It will be our loss that we can't accept this simply because we don't believe. I guess that's why Sunsangnim constantly tells us that God has loved us for the longest time but it was always one-sided. I would like for us to love God and realize that He loves us. Me, too. I'm still on my way.

Let's try to understand that it's not beauty, fame, position, or wealth that will earn love. To receive love, you need to give love.